Restaurant at the end of the Universe
For those of us living in the north and midlands of England, the nearest restaurant might just as well be in the far flung reaches of the galaxy. We are not allowed to go there anyway. But just imagine there was a satirical science fiction show, with quasi-political undertones, that set out to create the barmiest rules possible for one of those evil eating establishments.
Is it the food that leads to the spread of the virus? One would assume not, since many, many businesses are now finding ways to get their product to people’s homes. On presumption it comes from the same kitchen, with the same chef’s hands used to prepare it, we’d have to say the food is safe. It’s probably safer than having a courier deliver it. Just imagine if Amazon took over all food deliveries. If you didn’t get to the door within three nanoseconds, you find your dinner in a heap behind the garden gate or even in the bin?
The air then? It is deadly on the way in, so keep that mask firmly in place. Anyone with an exeption will need extra thick skin as they cross the floor, with looks to kill boring into their backs from people sat at tables, er…..not wearing a mask. Yes, that’s right, once you reach the safety of your eating surface, with it’s Covid-deterrent chairs, you can take off the mask again.
Alcohol? Does that exacerbate the spread? Not according to Sky News where a report suggests hand sanitisers are on the market with too little alcohol in them. Alcohol kills the virus, see, so getting leathered must be good? However, alcohol is only safe when taken with food, so don’t dare eat that last chip or you must stop drinking immediately. Meals that once took twenty minutes to eat must be consumed slowly, over a period of several hours, to allow the diner to properly absorb enough alcohol to kill the virus.
You shouldn’t drink too much though. If so, you will have to mask up again as you prepare for the risky venture beyond the safety of those Covid-deterrent chairs, to the “conveniences”. Of course, these conveniences are sometimes less than their name suggests. Certain pub/restaurant customers are unlucky here, as the average route takes them up three flights of stairs, down several corridors, one continent and through the magic wardrobe to Narnia. Make sure you wash your hands properly! Mind you, by the time you get back, your family has left, the curfew has come and the chef is taking the bins out.
It’s finally time to pay your bill. You can’t use a coin of the smallest possible denomination. Cash is not allowed as that’s vile, disgusting stuff. Mind you, you’d have to arrange for a security firm to deliver as prices have trebled in a year to cover all the new staffing costs. You have also gone over the contactless limit and have to type in your PIN number. Why the cling film over the card reader’s keys? Oh, that’s to protect the machine from contamination. It’s the same protection offered to all customers, so you all get the same bit of cling film. That, my dear readers, is what happens when governments make too many regulations and rules, overstepping their position and interfering in everyday life. Join the Libertarian Party.
Martin Day – Party Secretary